A man was wandering around a fairground and he happened to see a fortune-teller's tent. Thinking it would be good for a laugh, he went inside and sat down.

"Ah....." said the woman as she gazed into her crystal ball. "I see you are the father of two children."

"That's what you think," said the man scornfully. "I'm the father of THREE children."

The woman grinned and said, "That's what YOU think."

People are always calling me a hypochondriac and let me tell you
...it just makes me sick.

hypochondriac, n. 忧郁症患者的

I don't get this one ;)

A friend was in front of me coming out of church one day, and the preacher was standing at the door as he always is to shake hands. He grabbed my friend by the hand and pulled him aside.

Pastor said, "You need to join the Army of the Lord!"

My friend said, "I'm already in the Army of the Lord, Pastor."

Pastor questioned, "How come I don't see you except at Christmas and Easter?"

He *whispered* back, "I'm in the secret service."

Hygiene Teacher: How can you prevent diseases caused by biting insects?
Jose: Don't bite any.

Note: I know it's not so funny

An accountant is having a hard time sleeping so he sees his doctor about the problem and says, "Doctor, I just can't get to sleep at night!"

"Well," suggests his doctor, "Have you tried counting sheep?"

"That's the problem -- I make a mistake and spend the next six hours trying to find it!"

Why do mice have such small balls?
Very few can dance.

How many lawyer jokes are there?
Just two, all the rest are true.

A little girl was wearing one of those Medical Alert bracelets. Someone asked her what the bracelet was for. She replied, "I'm allergic to nuts and eggs."

The person asked, "Are you allergic to cats?"

The girl said, "I don't know..... I don't eat cats."

What's the difference between a 'light on' and a 'hard on' ?

You can have a light on all night

A boy and a girl were out driving one evening. They came to a quiet spot on a country lane, and the car stopped.

"Out of gas," said the boy.

The girl opened her purse and pulled out a bottle.

"Wow!" said the boy. "A bottle....what is it?"

"Gasoline," said the girl.

A drunk man boards a bus. A Bible thumper tells him, "You're going straight to hell."
The drunk struggles to get up and says, "My God, I'm on the wrong bus."

The somewhat dumb but pretty girl in the bank stood at the window of the cashier's desk and smiled.

"I'd like to cash this cheque, please," she said, handing it over.

The clerk examined the cheque, then said : "Could you identify yourself, Miss?"

For a moment the lovely girl's brow creased over, then with a bright look she fumbled in her handbag and producing a mirror, glanced in it and with relief said, "Yes - it's me, all right!"

Years ago, a man was just allowed to emigrate from the USSR. When he arrived in New York, a newspaper reporter interviewing him:

"What did you think of the food distribution in Russia?"
"Oh, I couldn't complain."
"What did you think of the govenment?"
"Oh, I couldn't complain."
"What did you think of the way they treated you?"
"Oh, I couldn't complain."

"If you had nothing to complain about in Russia, why did you emigrate?"
"Here I *can* complain!"

An English teacher at Iowa State University spent a lot of time marking grammatical errors in her students' written work. She wasn't sure how much impact she was having until one overly busy day when she sat at her desk rubbing her temples.

A student asked, "What's the matter, Ms. Dalton?"

"Tense," she replied, describing her emotional state.

After a slight pause the student tried again, "What was the matter? What has been the matter? What might have been the matter...?"

Two friends rented a boat and fished in a lake every day. One day they caught 30 fish. One said to his friend, "mark this spot so that we can come here tomorrow." The next day when they were driving to rent the boat, the same one said, "did you mark that spot?" His friend replied, "Yeah, I put a big 'X' on the bottom of the boat." The first one said, "You fool! What if we don't get that same boat today!?!?"

A man enters a barbershop for a shave. While the barber is foaming him up, he mentions the problems he has getting a close shave around the cheeks.

"I have just the thing," says the barber taking a small wooden ball from a nearby drawer. "Just place this between your cheek and gum."

The client places the ball in his mouth and the barber proceeds with the closest shave the man has ever experienced. After a few strokes, the client asks in garbled speech, "And what if I swallow it?"

"No problem," says the barber. "Just bring it back tomorrow like everyone else does."

"The best thing for you," the doctor said, "is to cut out all sweets and fatty foods, give up alcohol, and stop smoking."

"I see," the patient said. "To be honest, I don't deserve the best. What's second best?"

English Puzzle

_____ is better than GOD,
_____ is worse than evil,
if you eat_____, you are going to die.

what  is that?

Don't know. Dog?

The stockbroker received notice from the IRS that he was being audited. He showed up at the appointed time and place with all his financial records, then sat for what seemed like hours as the accountant pored over them.

Finally the IRS agent looked up and commented, "You must have been a tremendous fan of Sir Arthur Conan Doyle."

"Why would you say that?" wondered the broker.

"Because you've made more brilliant deductions on your last three returns than Sherlock Holmes made in his entire career."

answer is "nothing".

A Catholic priest is driving to London to be on a radio show and he's stopped by the police for speeding. A policeman smells alcohol on his breath, sees an empty wine bottle on the floor, and says, "Sir, have you been drinking?"

The priest says, "Just water"

The policeman replies, "Then why do I smell wine?"

And the minister looks down at the bottle and answers, "Good Lord, He's done it again!"

A five-year-old said grace at family dinner one night. "Dear God, thank you for these pancakes."

When he concluded, his parents asked him why he thanked God for pancakes when they were having chicken.

He smiled and said, "I thought I'd see if He was paying attention tonight."

Q: What kind of illness does Bruce Lee get?
A: Kung Flu!

A fellow picked up a girl in a bar and took her home with him. After some preliminary drinks and talk, they got undressed, climbed into bed and generally got organized for a leg over. After a few minutes, the girl started laughing.

The fellow asked her what she found so amusing. "Your organ," she replied. "It's a bit on the small side."

Hurt, he replied: "It's not used to playing in cathedrals."

A newly convicted man was nervous his first day in prison because his cellmate looked like a tough customer.

"Don't worry," the gruff fellow said, "I'm in for a white-collar crime."

"Is that right?" the new con asked, relieved.

"Yeah," said the prisoner. "I killed a priest."

Dr. Hansen, the head psychiatrist at the local mental hospital, was examining patients to see if they were cured and ready to re-enter society.

"So, Mr. Lawrenson," the doctor said to one of his patients. "I see by your chart that you've been recommended for dismissal. Do you have any idea what you might do once you're released?"

The patient thought for a moment, then replied, "Well, I went to college and studied mechanical engineering. That's still a good field. But on the other hand, I thought I might write a book about my experience here in the hospital - what it's like to be a patient here. People might be interested in reading a book like that. In addition, I thought I might go back to college and study art history, which I've developed an interest in lately."

Dr. Hansen nodded and said, "Yes, those all sound like intriguing possibilities."

The patient replied, "And the best part is, in my spare time, I can go on being a teapot."

Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time.
I think I've forgotten this before.

amnesia, n. 健忘症
deja vu,  n. 似曾相识的感觉；幻觉记忆

A man starts choking and says to his wife, "Call me an ambulance!"

She says, "You're an ambulance".

Three pregnant ladies, a redhead, a brunette and a blonde were all sitting in the doctor's office one day.

"I'm glad this one will be a boy." announced the redhead.

"But," inquired the blonde, "how can you know?"

"Well," explained the redhead, "I conceived during the male dominant position."

"Yes," agreed the brunette, "and my baby will be a girl because I conceived during the female dominant position."

With that the blonde burst into tears. "What's wrong?" asked the other two ladies. To which the blonde wailed, "I'm gonna have puppies!"

Doctor, Doctor I think I'm a dog.

How long have you felt like this ?

Ever since I was a puppy !

Three men in a Soviet gulag are sitting around the barrel stove one night and the subject of what they are incarcerated for comes up.

The first one says: " I am here because I voted for Comrade Petrov in 1957".

The second one says: "I am here because I voted against Comrade Petrov in 1958".

The third one says, "I am Comrade Petrov".

A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night. It was her turn, she rolled the dice and she landed on "Science & Nature".

Her question was, "If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?"

She thought for a time and then asked, "Is it on or off?"

A frog telephones the Psychic Hotline and is told, "You are going to meet a beautiful young girl who will want to know everything about you."

The frog says, "This is great! Will I meet her at a party, or what?"

"No," says the psychic. "Next semester in her biology class."

The School of Agriculture's Dean of Admissions was interviewing a prospective student. "Why have you chosen this career?" he asked.

"I dream of making a million dollars in dairy farming, like my father," the student replied.

"Your father made a million dollars in dairy farming?" echoed the impressed dean.

"No," replied the applicant. "But he always dreamed of it."

Three women are at the golf club, when suddenly the locker room door blew open, exposing a man with only a towel over his head.

The first woman says, "Thank God, that's not my husband."

The second woman says, "It's not my husband either."

The third woman says, "That man isn't even a member of our club!"

A man was sent to Hell for his sins. As he was being taken to his place of eternal torment, he passed a room where a lawyer was having an intimate encounter with a beautiful young woman.

"What a ripoff," the man muttered. "I have to roast for all eternity, and that lawyer gets to spend it with a beautiful woman."

Jabbing the man with his pitchfork, the escorting demon snarled, "Who are you to question that woman's punishment?"

Jenny watched her mother put cream on her face and asked,

"What's that cream for?"

The mother said, "It's facial cream to make me look gorgeous."

A few minutes later, the mother removed the cream. Jenny stared and then said, "Didn't work, did it?"

A young boy came home from school and told his mother:"I had a big fight with Sidney. He called me a sissy."

"What did you do?" the mother asked.

"I hit him with my purse!"

A chicken and an egg are lying in bed. The chicken is smoking a cigarette with a satisfied smile on it's face and the egg is frowning and looking a bit angry.

The egg mutters, to no one in particular, "Well, I guess we answered THAT question..."

How many efficiency experts does it take to replace a light bulb?

None. Efficiency experts replace only dark bulbs.

Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks.

They charged one and let the other one off.

A man walks into a drug store and asks the pharmacist, "Do you have any acetylsalicylic acid?"

"You mean aspirin?" asked the pharmacist.

"That's it, I can never remember that word."

Why is turkey popular at Christmas?
Because the weather is warmer over there.

Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

A mother and son were walking through a cemetery, and passed by a headstone inscribed "Here lies a good lawyer and an honest man."

The little boy read the headstone, looked up at his mother, and asked "Mommy, why did they bury two men there?"

"What do you call a dog with no legs?"

"Doesn't matter. He won't come anyway."

One night, after a long hard day at work a politician went home. It was fairly late, around 10:00 p.m. All of the sudden, a masked man jumped out of the bushes and demanded all the politician's money.

"You can't do that!!" The politician cried. "I'm a politician!"

"Oh," said the masked man, "in that case give me all MY money!!"

A customer was continually bothering the waiter in a restaurant; First, he'd asked that the air conditioning be turned up because he was too hot, then he asked it be turned down cause he was too cold, and so on for about half an hour.

Surprisingly, the waiter was very patient, he walked back and forth and never once got angry. So finally, a second customer asked him why he didn't throw out the pest.

"Oh I don't care." said the waiter with a smile. "We don't even have an air conditioner."