#4
This is so touching. Liao Kang has translated it into English.
My Mad Mother
Anonymous from Internet, translated by Kang Liao
Twenty-three years ago a young woman with a disheveled hair and mud-covered face wandered to our village. She smirked at everyone she met and peed in the public without any shame. The women in the village spat on her, and some even kicked her and told her to go away, but she would not leave. She just wandered around with a smirk on her face.
At that time my father was 35 years old. His right hand was cut off in an accident when he was working at a quarry and also, because he was poor, he was unable to get married. When my grandmother saw that woman, who was not bad looking, she decided to take her to be my father's wife. Her plan was to use her for propagation. Once a child was born, she would be driven away. My father was unwilling to have her, but under the circumstances, he finally gave in to my grandmother. So, father got married without costing the family a cent.
When I was born, grandmother held me and exclaimed with glee, "This mad woman, she even gave me a grandson!" But grandmother took me away from Mother and never let her near me.
Mother wanted to hold me, and many times she tried hard to say to my grandmother, "Give, give me…" Grandmother just ignored her. The baby was so small, just a little meatball; what if she dropped it? After all, she was a mad woman. Whenever Mother wanted to hold me, grandmother would stare at her and say in a stern voice, "Don't even think of it. I'll never let you hold the baby. If you dare to do so when I am not watching, I will beat you to death or drive you away." Grandmother was so serious that Mother understood her. She would just look at me from a distance with a look of fear and pity. Although her breasts were filled with milk, I never had any at all. Grandmother fed me with rice soup. She said my mother's milk carried madness. What if it infected the baby?
In those days, my family was still very poor. With Mother and me, two more mouths to feed, we often had nothing to cook with. Grandmother decided to drive my mother away because Mother was idle at home and from time to time even caused trouble. One day grandmother cooked a big pot of rice, gave Mother a full bowl of it, and said, "Daughter, this family is too poor. As head of the family, I apologize to you. After eating this bowl of rice, you go and find yourself a better home. Don't ever come back, OK?" Mother heard this when she had just taken a mouthful of rice. She was shocked and could not swallow the rice, which was like a stone in her mouth. Mother looked at me in my grandmother's arms and wailed vaguely, "No, don't…" Grandmother's face hardened, and she yelled with a matriarch's authority, "You mad woman, don't be stubborn. Nothing good will ever come of your stubbornness. You were a vagrant. I took you in under my care for two years. What else do you want? Eat your rice and leave. You hear me?" Then she took out a hoe from behind a door and pounded it on the ground making a loud noise. Mother was terrified. She looked at my grandmother with fear and then lowered her head. Tears dropped onto the white rice. Under my grandmother's stare, she did something strange --- she put half of the rice in her bowl into another which was empty, and then she looked at my grandmother with pity.
Grandmother was surprised. She realized that Mother was expressing the willingness to eat only half a bowl if she was not to be driven away. Grandmother's heart sank as if somebody had pulled it hard. She was a woman after all. Her toughness was no more than a mask she put on. She turned her face around and with great difficulty held her tears back. Then her face hardened again and she said, "Eat your rice, quickly. Then leave. You would die of hunger anyway in this house." Mother was in despair. She did not even touch that half bowl of rice but staggered out, but kept standing in front of the door for a long time. Grandmother toughened her attitude and said, "Go, go! Don't come back. There're many rich people in this world." Mother, however, got closer and stretched her hands towards my grandmother. She was pleading with her to hold me. Grandma hesitated and then handed me to her. For the first time Mother held me in her arms. She laughed. At the same time, grandmother was very nervous. Her hands were stretched out under Mother's, in case Mother would drop me if madness should come over her. Mother held me for no more than three minutes when grandmother took me back. She closed the door behind her.
When I grew big enough, I realized that I was the only child who did not have a mother. I asked Daddy and Grandma for Mommy. They said that my mother was dead. But my friends told me that my mother was mad and had been driven away by my grandmother. I went to grandmother again and asked her to return my mother and even called her "Grandma Wolf" and threw the rice and dish that she served me onto the ground. At that time, I had no idea what "mad" meant; I just wanted Mother. Was she still alive? How did she look? To my surprise, after five years' absence, Mother did come back when I was six. That day my friends ran to me with the news, "Hsiao Shu, go and see, your mother's back. Your mad mother's back." I was overjoyed and ran out. Father and grandmother followed me. This was my first sight of Mother that I remember. She was in rags; her hair covered with dry, yellow, broken leaves of grass. Heaven knows in which haystack she had spent the night before! Mother did not dare to come in, but remained sitting in front of our house, holding a dirty balloon in her hand. When I got near her with a group of kids, she searched for me with her eyes eagerly. Finally, her eyes stopped at me. Staring , she opened her mouth, "Hsiao Shu, ball…ball…" She stood up, shaking the balloon in her hand, trying to please me and give the balloon to me. I backed up with disappointment and shame. I never imagined that the mother I was expecting day and night would look so shabby. A kid jeered, "Hsiao Shu, that's your mother. Now you know what a mad woman looks like."
I replied in anger, "She's your mother! Your mother is mad. Your mother looks like that." I turned around and ran away. I did not want this mad woman to be my mother. Grandma and Dad, however, took my mother home. Grandma had been suffering with her conscience since she drove Mother away that year. As she was getting on in years, she could no longer harden her heart, so she took Mother in herself. But I was unhappy, for Mother made me lose face.
I never smiled at Mother, never talked to her of my own accord, and never called her "Mother." The communication between us was mostly my yelling at her. Mother never responded in anger.
Since we could not afford to let Mother stay in the house and do nothing, grandmother decided to train her to do some work. Grandmother took her to the field to observe others working and told her she would receive a beating if she did not learn. Some days later, grandmother thought that Mother was well trained and let her go to cut grass on her own. Never did grandmother expect her to cut two basketfuls of grass within only half an hour. Taking a closer look at the "grass for feeding pigs," grandmother saw that it was actually green paddy! Grandmother was all flustered and exasperated. "You crazy woman, you can't tell grass from paddy…" Grandmother was yelling at her and trying to figure out what she could do to right the wrong when the owner of the paddy field came. He blamed my grandmother for training her to do it on purpose. Grandmother was furious; she picked up a stick and hit Mother on the back in front of the owner, saying, "I'll kill you, crazy woman. You have made me lose face…"
Mad as Mother was, she could feel pain. She staggered around to dodge the beating and cried , "don'…don'…" In the end, the owner could not bear it any more and said, "Alright, we'll let it pass. Just watch her real close from now on." Thus, the matter was settled. Mother was still lying on the ground sobbing, and I said to her contemptuously, "Can't even tell grass from paddy, you pig!" Hardly had I finished the remark when grandmother gave me a slap on the back of my head. She stared at me and reproached me, "You son of a rabbit, how dare you say something like this? No matter what, she is your mother!" I replied in disdain, "I don't have such a mad mother!"
"Well, you’ve gone too far. I'll teach you a lesson!" Grandmother raised her hand again, when Mother sprang up from the ground and threw herself between my grandmother and me. Pointing at her head, Mother said, "Hit me, hit me."
Grandmother's hand froze in the air and fell down, and she murmured, "This crazy woman, she knows how to love her son, too."
After I started school, Father was hired to watch over a fishpond in a neighboring village, and he could make 50 yuan a month. Mother worked under grandmother's severe surveillance, cutting grass most of the time, and she did not cause any serious trouble again.
One winter day when I was in the third grade, it started to rain, and grandmother asked Mother to take an umbrella and fetch me from the school. Mother probably tumbled several times on the way, for she was covered with mud. She was smirking at me through the window of the classroom and uttering, "Hsian Shu…Um-brella…" Some classmates chuckled, and I felt as if I had been sitting on pins and needles. I hated my mother, who behaved so inappropriately and made me lose face. I also hated Jiahsi, the boy who led the sneering. He was mimicking my mother , exaggerating while doing so, when I grasped my pencil box and threw it at him. He dodged it and ran to me and seized me by the throat. I was much smaller and was no match for him. He was sitting on me when a loud shout was heard from outside. Mother jumped in like a mountain lion; she grasped Jiahsi and dragged him out. People say that a mad person is incredibly strong. It is true. Mother lifted Jiahsi, who was now crying like a girl and kicking in the air like a hare. Despite all this, Mother threw him into the pond by the school gate, and then she left as if nothing had happened.
With me Mother was meek again. She tried everything to please me. I realized that this was mother love. Even though she was insane, her mother love was sane when she saw her son being bullied. I could not help but call her "Mother." This was the first time I called her that since I had learned how to speak. Mother shuddered and gazed at me for a long time. Then she flushed like a little girl and smirked or, rather, smiled in intoxication. That day we went home under one umbrella for the first time.
I told grandmother what had happened. She was so scared that she fell off the chair. Immediately she sent for Father. As soon as Father came in, a group of men with knives and clubs arrived and broke into our house. They smashed everything. These people came upon the call of Jiahsi's family. His father pointed at my father's nose and said, "My son was scared out of his wits. He's lying in the clinic. You pay me 1000 yuan for the treatment, or I'll burn down your damned house."
A thousand yuan? Father was making only 50 yuan a month! Looking at these angry men, Father's eyes were burning red. He turned his irate gaze on Mother. His hand took off his belt and whipped Mother’s head and face, one blow after another. Mother was like a scared mouse, dodging the blows and running around. The mixed noise of the blows and her miserable whimpering was a sound that I would never forget. At last the constable came and stopped Father's hand that was inflicting the violence. The constable settled the matter. Since both parties had suffered losses, neither owed the other anything. Who dared to make trouble again would be arrested! After they had left, looking at the mess in the house and Mother, whose body was black and blue, Father, all of sudden, took Mother in his arms and cried bitterly, "Crazy woman, I did not want to hit you, but if I had not hit you, they would never have let us go. We had no money to pay them. It's all because we are poor!" Father then looked at me and said, "Hsiao Shu, you must study hard and go to college. Otherwise, [delete comma] we will be bullied forever." I nodded withprofound understanding.
In the summer of 2002 I was admitted into a high school for my excellent academic achievements. Unfortunately, grandma broke down from constant overwork and passed away. Our lives became even harder. Considering our difficulties, the local government deemed my family to be beneath the poverty line and subsidized us by 40 yuan a month. The high school also exempted me from the activity fees, so I was able to continue to study there.
It was a kind of boarding school, and I worked so hard on my studies that I seldom went home. Father was still working for 50 yuan a month, so Mother took up the task of taking food to me. It was our neighbor who cooked my food, and Mother would walk 12 miles along the narrow mountainous road, rain or shine, to take it to me. It was a miracle that, mad as she was, she remembered the road and never failed. Why was she not insane at all when she was doing things for her son? It must have been mother love. I cannot explain it medically.
On Sunday, April 27, 2003, Mother came again, not only with my food, but she also brought a dozen or so ripe peaches. I picked up one and sank my teeth into it, and asked her with a big smile, "So sweet! Where did you get them?" Mother replied, "I…I picked…" Never expecting she would be able to pick wild peaches, I praised her from the bottom of my heart, "Mother, you are becoming more and more able." Mother laughed.
Before she left, I told her, as usual, to take care of herself. Mother nodded in agreement. As soon as I had seen her out, I threw myself into the preparation for the college entrance examination. The next day, while I was still in class, the neighbor came in a great hurry, and the teacher took me out. The neighbor asked me if my mother had been here with my food. I told her yes and asked why. The neighbor said, "But she has not come home yet." My heart sank. Did Mother get lost on her way back? Not likely, for she had been walking back and forth on this road for three years. The neighbor asked, "Did your mother say anything out of the ordinary?" I answered, "No, but Mother brought me some wild peaches." The neighbor exclaimed, "That must be it. She probably went to get more peaches."
I asked for leave to go and look for Mother with the neighbor. On the road there were a couple of peach trees, which bore a few peaches here and there. They had not all been picked because the trees grew on the cliff. Then we spotted a broken branch in a tree, beneath which was a deep valley. The neighbor looked at me and suggested, "Let's go down." I said, "I am so scared…" Without another word, she took my hand and led me down…
Mother was lying at the bottom of the valley. Around her body some peaches lay scattered, and she was still holding one in her hand. Her blood had coagulated black. I felt as if all my internal organs had been ripped apart. Holding Mother tight, I cried, "Mother, Oh, my poor Mother! How I regret saying the peach was sweet! I caused your death… Mother, you never lived a day in ease and comfort… Oh, my poor Mother!" My face upon Mother's cold face, I cried and sobbed and wept, and I felt all the stones in the valley were shedding tears…
On August 7, 2003, a hundred days after Mother had been buried, a gilt-edged Notice of Admission from Hubei University arrived on my doorstep after having traveled through the mountainous road and through the wild peach trees and through the paddy field of our village. I put the notice on top of Mother's cold grave and cried, "Mother, I made it. Do you know? You can rest in peace now."
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