标题: English Jokes [打印本页]
作者: thesunlover 时间: 2007-7-20 10:47 标题: English Jokes
A man was wandering around a fairground and he happened to see a fortune-teller's tent. Thinking it would be good for a laugh, he went inside and sat down.
"Ah....." said the woman as she gazed into her crystal ball. "I see you are the father of two children."
"That's what you think," said the man scornfully. "I'm the father of THREE children."
The woman grinned and said, "That's what YOU think."
作者: thesunlover 时间: 2007-7-21 12:30
People are always calling me a hypochondriac and let me tell you
...it just makes me sick.
hypochondriac, n. 忧郁症患者的
I don't get this one ;)
作者: thesunlover 时间: 2007-7-24 08:26
A friend was in front of me coming out of church one day, and the preacher was standing at the door as he always is to shake hands. He grabbed my friend by the hand and pulled him aside.
Pastor said, "You need to join the Army of the Lord!"
My friend said, "I'm already in the Army of the Lord, Pastor."
Pastor questioned, "How come I don't see you except at Christmas and Easter?"
He *whispered* back, "I'm in the secret service."
作者: thesunlover 时间: 2007-7-30 08:30
Hygiene Teacher: How can you prevent diseases caused by biting insects?
Jose: Don't bite any.
Note: I know it's not so funny 
作者: thesunlover 时间: 2007-8-1 08:21
An accountant is having a hard time sleeping so he sees his doctor about the problem and says, "Doctor, I just can't get to sleep at night!"
"Well," suggests his doctor, "Have you tried counting sheep?"
"That's the problem -- I make a mistake and spend the next six hours trying to find it!"
作者: thesunlover 时间: 2007-8-3 08:20
Why do mice have such small balls?
Very few can dance.
作者: thesunlover 时间: 2007-8-6 10:47
How many lawyer jokes are there?
Just two, all the rest are true.
作者: thesunlover 时间: 2007-8-7 11:49
A little girl was wearing one of those Medical Alert bracelets. Someone asked her what the bracelet was for. She replied, "I'm allergic to nuts and eggs."
The person asked, "Are you allergic to cats?"
The girl said, "I don't know..... I don't eat cats."
作者: thesunlover 时间: 2007-8-8 12:54
What's the difference between a 'light on' and a 'hard on' ?
You can have a light on all night
作者: thesunlover 时间: 2007-8-9 10:54
A boy and a girl were out driving one evening. They came to a quiet spot on a country lane, and the car stopped.
"Out of gas," said the boy.
The girl opened her purse and pulled out a bottle.
"Wow!" said the boy. "A bottle....what is it?"
"Gasoline," said the girl.
作者: 章凝 时间: 2007-8-10 07:45
A drunk man boards a bus. A Bible thumper tells him, "You're going straight to hell."
The drunk struggles to get up and says, "My God, I'm on the wrong bus."
作者: 章凝 时间: 2007-8-11 13:21
The somewhat dumb but pretty girl in the bank stood at the window of the cashier's desk and smiled.
"I'd like to cash this cheque, please," she said, handing it over.
The clerk examined the cheque, then said : "Could you identify yourself, Miss?"
For a moment the lovely girl's brow creased over, then with a bright look she fumbled in her handbag and producing a mirror, glanced in it and with relief said, "Yes - it's me, all right!"
作者: thesunlover 时间: 2007-8-12 08:49
Years ago, a man was just allowed to emigrate from the USSR. When he arrived in New York, a newspaper reporter interviewing him:
"What did you think of the food distribution in Russia?"
"Oh, I couldn't complain."
"What did you think of the govenment?"
"Oh, I couldn't complain."
"What did you think of the way they treated you?"
"Oh, I couldn't complain."
"If you had nothing to complain about in Russia, why did you emigrate?"
"Here I *can* complain!"
作者: thesunlover 时间: 2007-8-14 09:31
An English teacher at Iowa State University spent a lot of time marking grammatical errors in her students' written work. She wasn't sure how much impact she was having until one overly busy day when she sat at her desk rubbing her temples.
A student asked, "What's the matter, Ms. Dalton?"
"Tense," she replied, describing her emotional state.
After a slight pause the student tried again, "What was the matter? What has been the matter? What might have been the matter...?"
作者: thesunlover 时间: 2007-8-15 08:33
Two friends rented a boat and fished in a lake every day. One day they caught 30 fish. One said to his friend, "mark this spot so that we can come here tomorrow." The next day when they were driving to rent the boat, the same one said, "did you mark that spot?" His friend replied, "Yeah, I put a big 'X' on the bottom of the boat." The first one said, "You fool! What if we don't get that same boat today!?!?"
作者: thesunlover 时间: 2007-8-16 19:53
A man enters a barbershop for a shave. While the barber is foaming him up, he mentions the problems he has getting a close shave around the cheeks.
"I have just the thing," says the barber taking a small wooden ball from a nearby drawer. "Just place this between your cheek and gum."
The client places the ball in his mouth and the barber proceeds with the closest shave the man has ever experienced. After a few strokes, the client asks in garbled speech, "And what if I swallow it?"
"No problem," says the barber. "Just bring it back tomorrow like everyone else does."
作者: thesunlover 时间: 2007-8-18 11:15
"The best thing for you," the doctor said, "is to cut out all sweets and fatty foods, give up alcohol, and stop smoking."
"I see," the patient said. "To be honest, I don't deserve the best. What's second best?"
作者: 笑雨 时间: 2007-8-18 16:41
English Puzzle
_____ is better than GOD,
_____ is worse than evil,
if you eat_____, you are going to die.
what is that?
作者: thesunlover 时间: 2007-8-19 16:37
Don't know. Dog?
作者: thesunlover 时间: 2007-8-19 16:38
The stockbroker received notice from the IRS that he was being audited. He showed up at the appointed time and place with all his financial records, then sat for what seemed like hours as the accountant pored over them.
Finally the IRS agent looked up and commented, "You must have been a tremendous fan of Sir Arthur Conan Doyle."
"Why would you say that?" wondered the broker.
"Because you've made more brilliant deductions on your last three returns than Sherlock Holmes made in his entire career."
作者: 笑雨 时间: 2007-8-20 19:00
answer is "nothing".
Originally posted by 笑雨 at 2007-8-18 09:41 PM:
English Puzzle
_____ is better than GOD,
_____ is worse than evil,
if you eat_____, you are going to die.
what is that?
作者: thesunlover 时间: 2007-8-21 07:53
Originally posted by
笑雨 at 2007-8-20 19:00:
answer is "nothing".
作者: thesunlover 时间: 2007-8-21 07:53
A Catholic priest is driving to London to be on a radio show and he's stopped by the police for speeding. A policeman smells alcohol on his breath, sees an empty wine bottle on the floor, and says, "Sir, have you been drinking?"
The priest says, "Just water"
The policeman replies, "Then why do I smell wine?"
And the minister looks down at the bottle and answers, "Good Lord, He's done it again!"
作者: thesunlover 时间: 2007-8-22 07:44
A five-year-old said grace at family dinner one night. "Dear God, thank you for these pancakes."
When he concluded, his parents asked him why he thanked God for pancakes when they were having chicken.
He smiled and said, "I thought I'd see if He was paying attention tonight."
作者: thesunlover 时间: 2007-8-25 23:56
Q: What kind of illness does Bruce Lee get?
A: Kung Flu!
作者: thesunlover 时间: 2007-8-26 15:25
A fellow picked up a girl in a bar and took her home with him. After some preliminary drinks and talk, they got undressed, climbed into bed and generally got organized for a leg over. After a few minutes, the girl started laughing.
The fellow asked her what she found so amusing. "Your organ," she replied. "It's a bit on the small side."
Hurt, he replied: "It's not used to playing in cathedrals."
作者: thesunlover 时间: 2007-8-27 12:08
A newly convicted man was nervous his first day in prison because his cellmate looked like a tough customer.
"Don't worry," the gruff fellow said, "I'm in for a white-collar crime."
"Is that right?" the new con asked, relieved.
"Yeah," said the prisoner. "I killed a priest."
作者: thesunlover 时间: 2007-8-28 10:53
Dr. Hansen, the head psychiatrist at the local mental hospital, was examining patients to see if they were cured and ready to re-enter society.
"So, Mr. Lawrenson," the doctor said to one of his patients. "I see by your chart that you've been recommended for dismissal. Do you have any idea what you might do once you're released?"
The patient thought for a moment, then replied, "Well, I went to college and studied mechanical engineering. That's still a good field. But on the other hand, I thought I might write a book about my experience here in the hospital - what it's like to be a patient here. People might be interested in reading a book like that. In addition, I thought I might go back to college and study art history, which I've developed an interest in lately."
Dr. Hansen nodded and said, "Yes, those all sound like intriguing possibilities."
The patient replied, "And the best part is, in my spare time, I can go on being a teapot."
作者: thesunlover 时间: 2007-8-31 13:32
Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time.
I think I've forgotten this before.
amnesia, n. 健忘症
deja vu, n. 似曾相识的感觉；幻觉记忆
作者: thesunlover 时间: 2007-9-17 08:51
A man starts choking and says to his wife, "Call me an ambulance!"
She says, "You're an ambulance".
作者: thesunlover 时间: 2007-9-27 08:11
Three pregnant ladies, a redhead, a brunette and a blonde were all sitting in the doctor's office one day.
"I'm glad this one will be a boy." announced the redhead.
"But," inquired the blonde, "how can you know?"
"Well," explained the redhead, "I conceived during the male dominant position."
"Yes," agreed the brunette, "and my baby will be a girl because I conceived during the female dominant position."
With that the blonde burst into tears. "What's wrong?" asked the other two ladies. To which the blonde wailed, "I'm gonna have puppies!"
作者: thesunlover 时间: 2007-10-1 08:59
Doctor, Doctor I think I'm a dog.
How long have you felt like this ?
Ever since I was a puppy !
作者: thesunlover 时间: 2007-10-4 09:00
Three men in a Soviet gulag are sitting around the barrel stove one night and the subject of what they are incarcerated for comes up.
The first one says: " I am here because I voted for Comrade Petrov in 1957".
The second one says: "I am here because I voted against Comrade Petrov in 1958".
The third one says, "I am Comrade Petrov".
作者: thesunlover 时间: 2007-10-5 11:17
A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night. It was her turn, she rolled the dice and she landed on "Science & Nature".
Her question was, "If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?"
She thought for a time and then asked, "Is it on or off?"
作者: thesunlover 时间: 2007-10-11 09:23
A frog telephones the Psychic Hotline and is told, "You are going to meet a beautiful young girl who will want to know everything about you."
The frog says, "This is great! Will I meet her at a party, or what?"
"No," says the psychic. "Next semester in her biology class."
作者: thesunlover 时间: 2007-10-11 09:26
The School of Agriculture's Dean of Admissions was interviewing a prospective student. "Why have you chosen this career?" he asked.
"I dream of making a million dollars in dairy farming, like my father," the student replied.
"Your father made a million dollars in dairy farming?" echoed the impressed dean.
"No," replied the applicant. "But he always dreamed of it."
作者: thesunlover 时间: 2007-10-21 11:19
Three women are at the golf club, when suddenly the locker room door blew open, exposing a man with only a towel over his head.
The first woman says, "Thank God, that's not my husband."
The second woman says, "It's not my husband either."
The third woman says, "That man isn't even a member of our club!"
作者: thesunlover 时间: 2007-10-24 10:15
A man was sent to Hell for his sins. As he was being taken to his place of eternal torment, he passed a room where a lawyer was having an intimate encounter with a beautiful young woman.
"What a ripoff," the man muttered. "I have to roast for all eternity, and that lawyer gets to spend it with a beautiful woman."
Jabbing the man with his pitchfork, the escorting demon snarled, "Who are you to question that woman's punishment?"
作者: thesunlover 时间: 2007-11-2 15:42
Jenny watched her mother put cream on her face and asked,
"What's that cream for?"
The mother said, "It's facial cream to make me look gorgeous."
A few minutes later, the mother removed the cream. Jenny stared and then said, "Didn't work, did it?"
作者: thesunlover 时间: 2007-11-6 11:55
A young boy came home from school and told his mother:"I had a big fight with Sidney. He called me a sissy."
"What did you do?" the mother asked.
"I hit him with my purse!"
作者: thesunlover 时间: 2007-11-14 18:22
A chicken and an egg are lying in bed. The chicken is smoking a cigarette with a satisfied smile on it's face and the egg is frowning and looking a bit angry.
The egg mutters, to no one in particular, "Well, I guess we answered THAT question..."
作者: thesunlover 时间: 2007-11-16 11:08
How many efficiency experts does it take to replace a light bulb?
None. Efficiency experts replace only dark bulbs.
作者: thesunlover 时间: 2007-11-18 10:22
Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks.
They charged one and let the other one off.
作者: thesunlover 时间: 2007-11-21 11:38
A man walks into a drug store and asks the pharmacist, "Do you have any acetylsalicylic acid?"
"You mean aspirin?" asked the pharmacist.
"That's it, I can never remember that word."
作者: thesunlover 时间: 2007-11-28 09:23
Why is turkey popular at Christmas?
Because the weather is warmer over there.
作者: thesunlover 时间: 2008-1-1 14:15
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
作者: thesunlover 时间: 2008-1-7 08:53
A mother and son were walking through a cemetery, and passed by a headstone inscribed "Here lies a good lawyer and an honest man."
The little boy read the headstone, looked up at his mother, and asked "Mommy, why did they bury two men there?"
作者: thesunlover 时间: 2008-1-11 13:11
"What do you call a dog with no legs?"
"Doesn't matter. He won't come anyway."
作者: thesunlover 时间: 2008-1-24 09:47
One night, after a long hard day at work a politician went home. It was fairly late, around 10:00 p.m. All of the sudden, a masked man jumped out of the bushes and demanded all the politician's money.
"You can't do that!!" The politician cried. "I'm a politician!"
"Oh," said the masked man, "in that case give me all MY money!!"
作者: thesunlover 时间: 2008-2-8 23:31
A customer was continually bothering the waiter in a restaurant; First, he'd asked that the air conditioning be turned up because he was too hot, then he asked it be turned down cause he was too cold, and so on for about half an hour.
Surprisingly, the waiter was very patient, he walked back and forth and never once got angry. So finally, a second customer asked him why he didn't throw out the pest.
"Oh I don't care." said the waiter with a smile. "We don't even have an air conditioner."
作者: thesunlover 时间: 2008-2-9 10:07
At a major medical convention a noted internist arises to announce that he has discovered a new miracle antibiotic.
"What's it cure?" asks a member of the audience.
"Nothing we don't already have a drug for," the internist replies.
"Well, what's so miraculous about it?"
"One of the side effects is short-term memory loss. Several of my patients have paid my bill three or four times."
作者: thesunlover 时间: 2008-2-10 09:28
Said John to Mary, "I'll bet you ten cents I can kiss you on the lips without touching them."
"You're crazy," said Mary. "That's impossible. Here's a dime that says you can't."
The two dimes were placed on the mantelpiece and John then enfolded Mary and for ten minutes kissed her passionately, intimately, and moistly.
She broke away at last, panting and disheveled, and said, "You did nothing BUT touch my lips."
John pushed the dimes toward her and said, "So I lose."
作者: 月满西楼 时间: 2008-2-10 10:15
I Dont`t want to talk about it.
作者: thesunlover 时间: 2008-2-12 13:42
Two psychiatrists with offices in the same building rode the elevator together every morning. Each day the elevator operator would watch in amazement as one of the psychiatrists spit in th other's face, while the victim did nothing in return.
Finally the operator stopped the second man after the other had exited and said, "Excuse me, sir, but for three years now I've been watching as that other man spits in your face every day. I just have to ask why you don't ever do anything about it." "Well," said the shrink, "it's *his* problem."
作者: thesunlover 时间: 2008-2-20 12:51
- Doctor, doctor, my hair's coming out. Can you give me something to keep it in?
- Certainly, how about a paper bag?
作者: thesunlover 时间: 2008-2-24 10:08
Teacher: If you had one dollar and you asked your father for another, how many dollars would you have?
Vincent: One dollar.
Teacher (sadly): You don't know your arithmetic.
Vincent (sadly): You don't know my father.
作者: thesunlover 时间: 2008-2-25 12:42
Q. What do you get when you ask a politician to tell "the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth"?
A. Three different answers.
作者: thesunlover 时间: 2008-2-27 14:03
"I have to have a raise," the man said to his boss. "There are three other companies after me."
"Is that so?" asked the manager. "What other companies are after you?"
"The electric company, the telephone company, and the gas company."
作者: thesunlover 时间: 2008-3-1 10:00
Two small boys, not yet old enough to be in school, were overheard talking at the zoo one day.
"My name is Billy. What's yours?" asked the first boy.
"Tommy," replied the second.
"My Mum is an accountant. What does your Mum do for a living?" asked Billy.
Tommy replied, "My Mummy is a lawyer."
"Honest?" asked Billy.
"No, just the regular kind", replied Tommy.
作者: thesunlover 时间: 2008-3-2 20:34
An old man was bragging to his neighbor, "I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but it's state of the art. It's perfect."
"Really," answered the neighbor "What kind is it?"
"Twelve thirty."
作者: thesunlover 时间: 2008-3-5 10:43
When I was younger I hated going to weddings. It seemed that all of my aunts and the grandmotherly types used to come up to me, poking me in the ribs and cackling, telling me, 'You're next.'
They stopped doing that after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.
作者: thesunlover 时间: 2008-3-12 13:50
A rabbi said to a precocious six-year-old boy: "So your mother says your prayers for you each night? Very commendable. What does she say?"
The little boy replied, "Thank God he's in bed!"
作者: thesunlover 时间: 2008-3-18 12:16
On the way to pre-school, the doctor had left her stethoscope on the car seat, and her little girl picked it up and began playing with it.
"Be still, my heart," thought the doctor, "my daughter wants to follow in my footsteps!"
Then the child spoke into the instrument, "Welcome to McDonald's. May I take your order?"
作者: thesunlover 时间: 2008-3-19 15:31
A man and his little girl were on an overcrowded elevator. Suddenly a lady in front turned around, slapped the man, and left in a huff.
The little girl remarked, "I didn't like her either, Daddy. She stepped on my toe, so I pinched her."
作者: thesunlover 时间: 2008-3-20 08:29
- What do you call a blonde who has dyed her hair black?
- Artificial Intelligence.
作者: thesunlover 时间: 2008-3-25 09:24
Sherry meets up with Jill as she is picking her car up from the mechanic.
Sherry asks, "Everything ok with your car now?"
Jill replies, "Yes, thank goodness. I was worried that my mechanic might try to rip me off, so I was relieved when he told me all I needed was $12 worth of blinker fluid."
作者: thesunlover 时间: 2008-3-27 17:13
I was in the subway today when I felt a hand in my pocket. I turned to the owner of the hand and asked, "What are you doing?"
He said, "Looking for a match."
I asked, "Why didn't you ask for one?"
He said, "I don't talk to strangers."
作者: thesunlover 时间: 2008-3-30 19:11
How do you make a blondes' eyes light up?
Shine a flashlight in their ears.
作者: thesunlover 时间: 2008-4-3 16:40
A man walked into a lawyer's office and inquired about the lawyer's rates.
"$50.00 for three questions," replied the lawyer.
"Isn't that kinda steep?", asked the man while dolling out the $50.00.
"Yes," answered the lawyer, "what's your third question?"
作者: thesunlover 时间: 2008-4-6 08:28
As the doctor completed an examination of the patient, he said, "I can't find a cause for your complaint. Frankly, I think it's due to drinking."
"In that case," said the patient, "I'll come back when you're sober"
作者: thesunlover 时间: 2008-4-9 16:55
Why was the blonde delighted when she finished the jigsaw puzzle in 11 months?
Because the box said "2 to 4 years".
作者: thesunlover 时间: 2008-4-12 17:09
A blonde went out to her mail box and looked in, closed the door and went back in the house. A few minutes later she went out and looked in the mail box again. She did this several times and her neighbour who was watching her said:
"you must be expecting a very important letter today the way you keep looking into your mail box."
The blonde answered, "No, I am working on my computer and it keeps telling me that I have mail."
作者: thesunlover 时间: 2008-5-4 14:43
Dear Dad,
$chool i$ really great. I am making lot$ of friend$ and $tudying very hard. With all my $tuff, I $imply can`t think of anything I need. $o if you would like, you can ju$t $end me a card, a$ I would love to hear from you.
Love,
Your $on
作者: 笑雨 时间: 2008-5-4 16:37
是不是金发碧眼的女子确实都很笨？我也看到过好多说金发碧眼的女子很笨的笑话。我认识的个别金发碧眼的女子也很笨，一个真事儿：1-65%=-64% by a 金发碧眼的女子.
作者: thesunlover 时间: 2008-5-12 08:15
So lovely
Originally posted by 笑雨 at 2008-5-4 16:37:
是不是金发碧眼的女子确实都很笨？我也看到过好多说金发碧眼的女子很笨的笑话。我认识的个别金发碧眼的女子也很笨，一个真事儿：1-65%=-64% by a 金发碧眼的女子.
作者: thesunlover 时间: 2008-5-12 08:16
An 8-year-old girl went to her dad, who was working in the yard. She asked him, "Daddy, what is sex?"
The father was surprised that she would ask such a question, but decides that if she is old enough to ask the question, then she is old enough to get a straight answer. He proceeded to tell her all about the "birds and the bees."
When he finished explaining, the little girl was looking at him with her mouth hanging open. The father asked her, "Why did you ask this question?"
The little girl replied, "Mom told me to tell you that dinner would be ready in just a couple of secs."
作者: thesunlover 时间: 2008-6-3 13:10
I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always.
作者: 草叶 时间: 2008-6-3 14:09
Hi,
Enjoy the jokes . In #2 Joke " Hypochondriac" means疑病症. 指那类没有任何根据总是怀疑自己生病的人.当然, 很多疑病症患者也同时患有忧郁症.
现在make sense了吧?
作者: thesunlover 时间: 2008-6-16 12:08
It makes sense now. Thanks!
Originally posted by 草叶 at 2008-6-3 14:09:
Hi, Enjoy the jokes. In #2 Joke "Hypochondriac" means 疑病症. 指那类没有任何根据总是怀疑自己生病的人.当然, 很多疑病症患者也同时患有忧郁症. 现在make sense了吧?
作者: thesunlover 时间: 2008-6-16 12:09
This guy goes into a doctor's office. The doctor says, "Oh, Mr. Jones! We have the results of your test. Do you want the bad news first or the very bad news?"
The guy shrugs and says, "Well I guess I'll have the bad news first."
"Well the bad news is, you have 24 hours to live," the doctor replies.
The man is distraught, "24 hours to live? That's horrible! What could be worse than that? What's the VERY bad news?"
The doctor folds his hands and sighs, "The very bad news is...I've been trying to contact you since yesterday."
作者: thesunlover 时间: 2008-6-18 13:30
My husband wanted one of those big-screen TVs for his birthday. I just moved his chair closer to the one we already have.
作者: thesunlover 时间: 2008-6-27 15:24
A man was walking along a California beach and stumbled across an old lamp. He picked it up and rubbed it and out popped a genie. The genie said, "OK. You released me from the lamp, blah blah blah. This is the fourth time this month and I'm getting a little sick of these wishes so you can forget about three. You only get one wish!"
The man sat and thought about it for a while and said, "I've always wanted to go to Hawaii but I'm scared to fly and I get very seasick. Could you build me a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over there to visit?" The genie laughed and said, "That's impossible. Think of the logistics of that! How would the supports ever reach the bottom of the Pacific? Think of how much concrete...how much steel!! No, think of another wish."
The man said OK and tried to think of a really good wish. Finally, he said, "I've been married and divorced four times. My wives always said that I don't care and that I'm insensitive. So, I wish that I could understand women....know how they feel inside and what they're thinking when they give me the silent treatment....know why they're crying, know what they really want when they say 'nothing'....know how to make them truly happy...." The genie asked, "Do you want that bridge two lanes or four?"
作者: thesunlover 时间: 2008-7-8 15:10
After hearing the story of Jonah at Sunday School, a little girl repeated the story at school on Monday.
Her teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because, even though it is a very large mammal, its throat is very small.
The little girl said, "But how can that be? Jonah was swallowed by a whale."
Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human. "It is physically impossible!" she said.
Undaunted, the little girl said, "Well, when I get to heaven I will ask Jonah."
To this, the teacher said, "What if Jonah went to hell?"
The little girl replied, "Then YOU ask him!"
作者: thesunlover 时间: 2008-7-9 09:17
An elderly couple had been shopping at a grocery store, and the wife decided to steal a can of peaches. The inevitable happened and she was caught. Upon her court date, the judge asked her what she had stolen.
"Your Honor, I stole a can of peaches."
The judge replied, "How many peaches were in the can?"
She said, "Six."
The judge then said, "I will sentence you to six days in jail."
Her husband stood up behind her and replied, "Your Honor, she also stole a can of peas."
作者: thesunlover 时间: 2008-7-13 16:29
A fellow nurse at my hospital received a call from an anxious woman. "I'm diabetic and I'm afraid I've had too much sugar today," she said.
"Are you lightheaded?" my colleague asked.
"No, I'm a brunette."
作者: thesunlover 时间: 2008-7-15 08:12
A man and a friend are playing golf one day at their local golf course. One of the guys is about to chip onto the green when he sees a long funeral procession on the road next to the course. He stops in mid-swing, takes off his golf cap, closes his eyes, and bows down in prayer.
His friend says, "Wow, that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You truly are a kind man."
The man then replies, "Yeah, well, we were married 35 years."
作者: thesunlover 时间: 2008-7-17 15:19
My wife and I were comparing notes the other day.
"I have a higher IQ, did better on my SATs and make more money than you," she pointed out.
"Yeah, but when you step back and look at the big picture, I'm still ahead," I said.
She look mystified. "How do you figure?"
"I married better," I replied.
作者: thesunlover 时间: 2008-7-21 09:13
A woman walked up to a little old man rocking in a chair on his porch.
"I couldn't help noticing how happy you look," she said. "What's your secret for a long happy life?"
"I smoke three packs of cigarettes a day," he said. "I also drink a case of whiskey a week, eat fatty foods, and never exercise."
"That's amazing," said the woman, "how old are you?"
"Twenty-six," he said.
作者: thesunlover 时间: 2008-7-22 10:41
A businessman, on his deathbed, called his friend and said, "Bill, I want you to promise me that when I die, you will have my remains cremated."
"And what," his friend asked, "do you want me to do with your ashes?"
The businessman said, "Just put them in an envelope and mail them to the Internal Revenue Service. Write on the envelope, 'Now, you have everything.'"
作者: thesunlover 时间: 2008-7-25 12:55
A man in a hot air balloon realized he was lost. He reduced altitude and spotted a man below. He descended a bit more and shouted, "Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him half an hour ago, but I don't know where I am."
The man below replied, "You are in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You are between 40 and 42 degrees north latitude and between 58 and 60 degrees west longitude."
"You must be an engineer," said the balloonist.
"I am," replied the man, "but how did you know?"
"Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is technically correct, but I have no idea what to make of your information, and the fact is I am still lost."
The man below responded, "You must be a manager."
"I am," replied the balloonist, "how did you know?"
"Well," said the man, "you don't know where you are or where you are going. You made a promise which you have no idea how to keep, and you expect me to solve your problem. The fact is you are exactly in the same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, it's my fault."
作者: 杨林 时间: 2008-7-26 22:41
Worldwide survey was conducted by the UN.
The only question asked was:
"Would you please give your honest opinion about solutions to the food shortage in the rest of the world?"
The survey was a huge failure,
* In Africa they didn't know what 'food' meant,
* In India they didn't know what 'honest' meant,
* In Europe they didn't know what 'shortage' meant,
* In China they didn't know what 'opinion' meant,
* In the Middle East they didn't know what 'solution' meant,
* In South America they didn't know what 'please' meant, And
* In the USA they didn't know what 'the rest of the world' meant!
作者: thesunlover 时间: 2008-8-4 07:51
Two West Virginians are walking down different ends of a street toward each other and one is carrying a sack. When they meet, one says, "Hey, Tommy Ray, what'cha got in th' bag?"
"Jus' some chickens."
"If I guess how many there are, can I have one?"
"I'll give you both of them."
"OK. Ummmmm......, five?"
作者: 银桦 时间: 2008-8-4 08:08
I went to West Virginia, and heard lots of jokes. One goes, what is the proof that toothbrush was invented in West Virginia? Because otherwise it would be called teethbrush.
作者: thesunlover 时间: 2008-8-7 11:02
A man was seen fleeing down the hall of the hospital just before his operation.
"What's the matter?" he was asked.
He said, "I heard the nurse say, 'It's a very simple operation, don't worry, I'm sure it will be all right."
"She was just trying to comfort you, what's so frightening about that?"
"She was talking to the doctor."
作者: thesunlover 时间: 2008-10-2 17:05
An old man lived alone in Idaho. He wanted to spade his potato garden, but it was very hard work. His only son, Bubba, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament.
Dear Bubba:
I am feeling pretty bad because it looks like I won't be able to plant my potato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. If you were here, all my troubles would be over. I know you would dig the plot for me.
Love, Dad
A few days later, he received a letter from his son.
Dear Dad:
For heaven's sake, Dad, don't dig up that garden. That's where I buried the BODIES.
Love, Bubba
At 4 a.m. the next morning, FBI agents and local Police showed up and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to the old man and left. That same day, the old man received another letter from his son.
Dear Dad:
Go ahead and plant the potatoes now. It's the best I could do under the circumstances.
Love, Bubba
作者: thesunlover 时间: 2008-11-6 23:39
An airline captain was breaking in a new blonde stewardess. The route they were flying had a layover in another city. Upon their arrival, the captain showed the stewardess the best place for airline personnel to eat, shop and stay overnight.
The next morning, as the pilot was preparing the crew for the day's route, he noticed the new stewardess was missing. He knew which room she was in at the hotel and called her up wondering what happened. She answered the phone, crying, and said she couldn't get out of her room. "You can't get out of your room?" the captain asked, "Why not?"
The stewardess replied: "There are only three doors in here," she sobbed, "one is the bathroom, one is the closet, and one has a sign on it that says 'Do Not Disturb'!"
作者: thesunlover 时间: 2008-11-21 23:09
Eve: Adam, do you love me?
Adam: Who else?
作者: thesunlover 时间: 2009-1-1 16:42
A blonde, brunette and redhead all decide to participate in the swimming of the English channel.
They all decided to do the same stroke as it would be fair and they should all finish at the same time. Not wanting to lose energy quickly, they chose breast stroke.
They all started and a few hours later, the brunette arrives on land, tired.
The next one to complete it, was the redhead, a couple of hours behind the brunette.
Lastly, 6 hours after the brunette had arrived, the blonde clambers on shore, absolutely exhausted.
When the TV crew arrived, they asked her why she took so long, she replied: "Not to be a sore loser or anything but I'm pretty sure I saw the other two using their arms." 
作者: thesunlover 时间: 2009-1-11 20:38
After God created Adam, and Adam had been in the Garden for a really long time, he started to get a little lonely. So, Adam went to God and said, "This Garden is amazing, but I'm starting to get a little lonely; is there anyone that you can send to keep me company?"
God answered, "I have the perfect person. She will help you with almost everything. She'll clean, cook, wash you clothes, be your friend, and even rub your feet after a long day. She really is perfect in every way!"
Adam said, "That sounds great! How soon can you send her?"
God replied again, "I can send her right away, but there is one thing ... it's going to cost you an arm and a leg to get her."
Adam thought for a moment, and then said, "What can I get for a rib?"
作者: thesunlover 时间: 2009-11-28 20:14
诚实的老婆
A police officer pulls over a speeding car. The officer says, “I clocked you at 80 miles per hour, sir.”
The driver: “Sorry, officer, I had it on cruise control at 60, perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating ?”
Not looking up from her knitting, the wife says: “Now don't be silly, dear, you know that this car doesn't have cruise control.”
As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver looks over at his wife and growls, “Can't you please keep your mouth shut for once?”
The wife smiles demurely and says, “You should be thankful your radar detector went off when it did.”
As the officer makes out the second ticket for the illegal radar detector unit, the man glowers at his wife and says through clenched teeth, “Dammit, woman, can't you keep your mouth shut?”
The officer frowns and says, “And I notice that you're not wearing your seat belt, sir. That's an automatic $75 fine.”
The driver says, “Yeah, well, you see officer, I had it on, but took it off when you pulled me over so that I could get my license out of my back pocket.”
The wife says, “Now, dear, you know very well that you didn't have your seat belt on. You never wear your seat belt.”
As the police officer is writing out the third ticket, the driver turns to his wife and barks, “WHY DON'T YOU PLEASE SHUT UP??”
The officer looks over at the woman and asks, “Does your husband always talk to you this way, Ma'am?”
The wife smiles and says, “Only when he's been drinking.”
作者: thesunlover 时间: 2010-8-16 18:27
An Amish boy and his father were visiting a nearby mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny silver walls that moved apart and back together again by themselves.
The lad asked, "What is this, father?"
The father, having never seen an elevator, responded, "I have no idea what it is."
While the boy and his father were watching wide-eyed, an old lady in a wheelchair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched as small circles lit up above the walls.
The walls opened up again and a beautiful twenty-four-year-old woman stepped out.
The father looked at his son anxiously and said, "Go get your mother."
作者: thesunlover 时间: 2010-8-17 19:15
A young boy had just gotten his driving permit. He asked his father, who was a minister, if they could discuss his use of the car.
"I'll make a deal with you," said his father. "You bring your grades up, study your Bible a little, get your hair cut, and then we'll talk."
A month later the boy came back and again asked his father if they could discuss his use of the car.
"Son, I'm real proud of you. You've brought your grades up and you've studied your Bible, but you didn't get hair cut!"
"You know, Dad, I've been thinking about that. Samson had long hair, Moses had long hair, Noah had long hair, and even Jesus had long hair."
"Yes son, and they walked everywhere they went!"
作者: thesunlover 时间: 2011-2-21 23:52
Two elderly couples were enjoying friendly conversation when one of the men asked the other,
"Fred, how was the memory clinic you went to last month?" "Outstanding,"Fred replied. "They taught us all the latest psychological techniques: visualization, association, etc. It was great."
"That's great! And what was the name of the clinic?" Fred went blank. He thought and thought, but couldn't remember. Then a smile broke across his face and he asked, "What do you call that flower with the long stem and thorns?"
"You mean a rose?"
"Yes, that's it!" He turned to his wife, "Rose, what was the name of that memory clinic?"
作者: thesunlover 时间: 2011-11-23 12:43
A man was pulled over for driving too fast, even though he thought he was driving just fine.
Officer: You were speeding.
Man: No, I wasn't.
Officer: Yes, you were. I'm giving you a ticket.
Man: But I wasn't speeding.
Officer: Tell that to the judge! (The officer gives man the ticket.)
Man: Would I get another ticket if I called you a jerk?
Officer: Yes, you would.
Man: What if I just thought that you were?
Officer: I can't give you a ticket for what you think.
Man: Fine, I think you're a jerk!
作者: xyy 时间: 2011-11-23 16:44
Extremely Quiet 安靜過頭
A cop pulls a drunk motorist over and asks, "Where have you been?"
一警察攔下一名酒醉駕駛人，問道：“你剛才幹甚麼了沒有？”
"I've been to the pub," slurs the drunk.
醉漢口齒不清的回答：“我上了酒吧嘛。”
"Well," says the cop, "it looks like you've had quite a few."
警察說：“唔，你好像還喝了不少。”
"I did all right," the drunk says with a smile.
醉漢笑著說：“我一點沒問題。”
"Did you know," says the cop, "that your wife fell out of your car?"
警察又說：“你可知道你太太摔到車外了嗎？”
"Oh, thank heavens," sighs the drunk. "For a minute there, I thought I'd gone deaf."
醉漢如釋重負的說：“謝天謝地，我還以為我剛才變聾子了呢。”
作者: thesunlover 时间: 2011-12-6 10:39
What are the three quickest ways of spreading a rumour or gossip.
Telegram
Telephone
Tell a woman
Perhaps not very politically correct in the times we live in, but worth a slight chuckle.
作者: thesunlover 时间: 2012-6-25 18:47
A lawyer died and arrived at the pearly gates. To his dismay, there were thousands of people ahead of him in line to see St. Peter. To his surprise, St. Peter left his desk at the gate and came down the long line to where the laywer was, and greeted him warmly. Then St. Peter and one of his assistants took the lawyer by the hands and guided him up to the front of the line, and into a comfortable chair by his desk.
The lawyer said, "I don't mind all this attention, but what makes me so special?"
St. Peter replied, "Well, I've added up all the hours for which you billed your clients, and by my calculation you must be about 193 years old!"
作者: fanghuzhai 时间: 2012-6-26 19:45
本地有个免费报纸Foolish Times， 最近一期登几个老人笑话。其中一个是，牙医为了让一个老女人放松，给她讲笑话说橡皮手套是怎么做出来的：有一大锅橡胶，工人们在里面蘸手，干了以后脱下来就是手套。老女人没有笑，等到做牙的时候，老女人突然哈哈大笑。医生问笑什么？老女人说：我在想避孕套是怎么做出来的。
作者: Xiaoman 时间: 2016-3-27 21:28
That's what YOU think !
hahaha...Funny joke 
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