标题: [原创]老方译诗，渡荆门送别 [打印本页]
作者: fanghuzhai 时间: 2016-10-7 11:09 标题: [原创]老方译诗，渡荆门送别
渡荆门送别
渡远荆门外，来从楚国游。
山随平野尽，江入大荒流。
月下飞天镜，云生结海楼。
仍怜故乡水，万里送行舟。
Out of Jingmen I start my long journey
To the land of Chu my voyage will be
mountains vanish as the plain recedes
Into the waste land the River proceeds
the moon, a heavenly mirror, hangs low
the clouds, like mirage, pile up high
lovely is the homeland river flow
carrying my boat that says goodbye
于加州蒙特雷国王山开放建筑培训班
根据反馈修改了
作者: 海外逸士 时间: 2016-10-15 15:38
out of 處應該用from，兩者略有不同。且與下面 to 對應。
vanish 是消失不見。山随平野尽，意謂: 到了平野，就是山區的盡頭。山本身並沒消失。
flow 不需要。可用 homeland water。
Carrying my boat ten thousand li away.
作者: fanghuzhai 时间: 2016-10-15 19:56
xiexie
As the plain is near mountains recede
Into the waste land the River proceeds
作者: 海外逸士 时间: 2016-10-16 08:33
recede 是表示動態的詞，用在山方面，在英文裡實在不妥。動態詞用在River
上是可以的。如果閣下一定要押韻，可以考慮如下譯法:
To the stretching plain the mountain yields,
And the river proceeds into the waste fields.
作者: 暮明 时间: 2016-10-16 14:57
Originally posted by 海外逸士 at 2016-10-16 08:33:
recede 是表示動態的詞，用在山方面，在英文裡實在不妥。
The mountains recede，没什么不妥。就如车行树退。视觉感。
更何况，语言不是科学。
作者: 海外逸士 时间: 2016-10-16 15:01
要中譯英，就要知道外國人是怎麼思維的。兩種不同文化背景的人思維不同。用中國人的思維解釋是不對的。
作者: 暮明 时间: 2016-10-16 15:03
这首诗译前四行AABB韵，后四行又转成了CDCD?
"仍怜故乡水，万里送行舟"
lovely is the homeland river flow
carrying my boat that says goodbye
与原诗似有距离。
作者: 暮明 时间: 2016-10-16 15:09
Originally posted by 海外逸士 at 2016-10-16 15:01:
要中譯英，就要知道外國人是怎麼思維的。兩種不同文化背景的人思維不同。用中國人的思維解釋是不對的。
有时思维相通：
https://books.google.com/books?id=bupsJ-d4z9AC&pg=PA126&lpg=PA126&dq=mountains+recede+++essay&source=bl&ots=sKBl21lp6e&sig=P9JPygcpvS8gxnDj_uKuBTR0L8Y&hl=en&sa=X&ved=0ahUKEwiCoYnoj-DPAhUps1QKHQwDCKkQ6AEIHzAB#v=onepage&q=mountains%20recede%20%20%20essay&f=false
作者: 海外逸士 时间: 2016-10-16 17:01
但有時不通。
作者: fanghuzhai 时间: 2016-10-16 17:15
lao yishi's lines are good, but I also think mountains recede is OK, a visual sensation.
I chose waste land to echo T S. Eliot
I admit that it is hard for me to keep a unified rhyme pattern.
Out of Jingmen I start my long journey
To the land of Chu my voyage will be
Mountains recede as the plain is near
The River flows into the waste land here
The moon, a heavenly mirror, hangs low
The clouds, like mirage, a magnificent show
Lovely is the homeland river flow
Carrying my boat that bids you adieu
作者: 暮明 时间: 2016-10-18 00:37
lao yishi's lines are good --- agreed.
nice job! just that adieu and flow don't rhyme perfectly.
作者: 暮明 时间: 2016-10-25 00:46
Lovely is the homeland river flow
Carrying my boat that bids you adieu
Lovely is the homeland river，my sweet friend
Carrying my boat to the journey's end
not sure if this works.
作者: 小草 时间: 2017-7-22 01:45
与老方同乐一番...^_^
《渡荆门送别》－ 李白
渡远荆门外，来从楚国游。
山随平野尽，江入大荒流。
月下飞天镜，云生结海楼。
仍怜故乡水，万里送行舟。
A Verse by Li Bai
(Bidding Jingmen Farewell)
Past Jingmen my voyage’s amain,
Towards the ancient land of Chu.
Lo, mountains turn into vast plain;
The wasteland the River runs through.
The moon, a mirror, from the skies;
The clouds, like mirage, look so fair.
O my loved homeland’s water hies
With my boat many a mile there.
Tr. Xiao Cao
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