标题: 点评海外英译： 金陵圖（唐）韋莊 [打印本页]
作者: Xiaoman 时间: 2016-8-14 15:15 标题: 点评海外英译： 金陵圖（唐）韋莊
金陵圖（唐）韋莊
江雨霏霏江草齊﹐六朝如夢鳥空啼。無情最是台城柳﹐依舊煙籠十里堤。
Nanking Landscape
by Wei Zhuang
Rains on the river fall lightly and grass grows smooth;
Six dynasties gone like a dream, birds vainly sing.
Weeping willows of Tai Town are the most heartless,
Still in misty smoke for ten miles the dyke covering.
Critiqued by Xiaoman Liu:
(1) the first line, rains on the river fall lightly and grass grows smooth.
three mistakes: how can rains on the river fall? Grass grows---only one piece of grass?
Rain is uncountable noun.
江草齐--江南草长，碧绿如茵 the key words here are grow and green.
(2) the second line, sounds awkward. nothing seems to be connected in between.
(3) the third, a wishy washy statement.
(4) the last line: Still in misty smoke for ten miles the dyke covering ---you misunderstood the original line.
烟笼十里 is a metaphor. It means the willow trees look like smoke shrouding the long dyke or beach.
Conclusion: The translation work by Overseas Hermit terribly sucks, unreadable, doesn't make sense，low-levelgrammar mistakes. It seems to me that he didn't fully understand the poem and the backgrounds of it. You need to read all the related information in full before practicing your English and translation skills.
Here is my translation: 我的翻译：
The Jinling Scene By Wei Zhuang
Rain flies to the river; grasses grow so green,
Birds are crowing in vain, sad and touching,
as if the Six Dynasties is only a dream.
The most ruthless are willow trees of Taicheng,
as if smoke, they are still shrouding
the ten-mile long beach in this desolate scene.
刘小曼 译
Information below is from the internet:
词语注释
⑴台城：也称苑城，在今南京市鸡鸣山南，原是三国时代吴国的后苑城，东晋成帝时改建。从东晋到南朝结束，这里一直是朝廷台省（中央政府）和皇宫所在地，既是政治中枢，又是帝王荒淫享乐的场所。
⑵霏霏：细雨纷纷状。
⑶六朝：指吴、东晋、宋、齐、梁、陈。
⑷烟：指柳树绿阴阴的，像清淡的烟雾一样。[1-2]
台城白话译文
江面烟雨迷濛，江边绿草如茵。六朝先后衰亡，宛如南柯一梦。江鸟哀婉啼叫，听来悲悲切切。只有台城柳树最是无情，依旧灯笼十里长堤。[1]
作者: 海外逸士 时间: 2016-8-14 16:40
霏霏是雨不斷的意思。不是"飛"。
"齊"字沒有了。
不同鳥叫都有不同動詞。Caw是烏鴉叫。一般鳥叫也有動詞。知識太淺薄。
Six Dynasties (is) only a dream. 應該用ARE。極大語法錯誤。
"堤" 不是 BEACH。
作者: 小草 时间: 2016-8-15 08:59
学习各位佳译，我也鼓捣一版凑凑热闹。
Around the river the grass lush in falling rain;
Six dynasties were but a dream; birds cry in vain,
The willows of Taicheng who are th’ most affectless
Along the ten-mile causeway like clouds still reign.
Tr. Xiao Cao
作者: Xiaoman 时间: 2016-8-15 10:14
Originally posted by 小草 at 2016-8-15 08:59:
学习各位佳译，我也鼓捣一版凑凑热闹。
Around the river the grass lush in falling rain;
Six dynasties were but a dream; birds cry in vain,
The willows of Taicheng who are th’ most affectless
A..
欣赏小草好译！
作者: 小草 时间: 2016-8-15 19:51
Originally posted by Xiaoman at 2016-8-15 03:14 PM:
欣赏小草好译！
谢谢小曼同学鼓励！
作者: Xiaoman 时间: 2016-8-15 21:13
转去我博客先， 哈哈！：）
作者: 徐英才 时间: 2016-8-15 22:13
Originally posted by 小草 at 2016-8-15 08:59:
学习各位佳译，我也鼓捣一版凑凑热闹。
Around the river the grass lush in falling rain;
Six dynasties were but a dream; birds cry in vain,
The willows of Taicheng who are th’ most affectless
A..
唐朝诗人韦庄的《台城》
江雨霏霏江草齐，
六朝如梦鸟空啼。
无情最是台城柳，
依旧烟笼十里堤。
Tr. Xiao Cao
Around the river the grass lush in falling rain;
Six dynasties were but a dream; birds cry in vain,
The willows of Taicheng who are th’ most affectless
Along the ten-mile causeway like clouds still reign.
小草，你的翻译深受许愿冲先生的影响。当然，这是我的感觉，或许你并没有受他的影响，是你自己琢磨出来的方法也完全可能。但不论怎样，你的翻译方法跟他的有很类似的地方，即以押韵为主。我并不反对押韵，但押韵不能生硬，更不能因韵害意。我觉得你的这首翻译就有因韵害意之嫌。
接下来我主要谈谈为什么我说你的这首译文因韵害意了。关于翻译中的其他错误，就不一一提出来了。语法对你来说，只要注意，并不是大问题。
１. Rain一词虽不很准确，但没多大问题。问题是falling。Falling rain里的falling是多余的词，哪种雨不falling?你用rain，而不用更准确的drizzle或者mizzle，主要是需要rain这个词跟下面押韵，而用rain则少了两个音节，所以你就用了falling。当然，这只是我的推测。
2. Birds cry in vain不make sense。in vain这一短语是说你有目的，然而目的未达成，就in vain了。那么birds cry in vain，birds 原先的目的是什么呢？没有！所以这个短语不make sense,你用这个in vain完全是为了要跟rain押韵。
３. The willows ... still reign不妥。原诗里的“烟笼”，是顺着“烟”用了“笼”字，何等贴切又意象。这个意象给了我们六朝已去，但“杨柳仍然笼罩着十里长堤”这个暗示。如果作者把这个"笼"改成“囚”，“禁”，“主宰”等等，诗意顿时。而你用reign一词把如此含蓄的意思直接表达了出来，回味就没有了，想象就没有了。你用这个reign也是为了跟rain押韵。
这是我个人的看发，不一定对，仅供参考。
作者: 小草 时间: 2016-8-15 22:42
呵呵呵, 你说的都对，但对于你认为 falling 配 rain 没必要到要说一句，你难道没听过这首歌 listen to the rythem of the falling rain? 看来你得告诉他们没必要了？哈哈哈
作者: 小草 时间: 2016-8-15 22:45
谢谢你的批评！我会好好学习的。你觉得我的版本有语法错误？
作者: 小草 时间: 2016-8-15 22:48
没想到你还能替古人改诗？哈哈哈 了不起啊，哈哈哈 佩服!
作者: 小草 时间: 2016-8-15 22:51
I could have said for which birds cry in vain ,
作者: 小草 时间: 2016-8-15 22:57
It is easy to say the verdant grass in rain
Anyway, I heartily thank you for your input, which is always highly appreciated.)
Right now I am on the train…… it is hard to do anything on my mobile. Cheers)
作者: 徐英才 时间: 2016-8-15 23:00
Originally posted by 小草 at 2016-8-15 22:42:
呵呵呵, 你说的都对，但对于你认为 falling 配 rain 没必要到要说一句，你难道没听过这首歌 listen to the rythem of the falling rain? 看来你得告诉他们没必要了？哈哈哈
我说了你可能会说我强词夺理。我还是说说看吧。
在listen to the rhyme of the falling rain里，你把那个falling拿掉听上去就不顺耳，这或许是因为falling是构成rhyme的主因。
而在你的Around the river the grass lush in falling rain, grass lush in the rain和grass lush in the falling rain是一个意思。我不是说你错了，而是说在你的句子里那是一个多余的字。
作者: 徐英才 时间: 2016-8-15 23:07
Originally posted by 小草 at 2016-8-15 22:45:
谢谢你的批评！我会好好学习的。你觉得我的版本有语法错误？
既然你不介意，我就指出来：
in falling rain最好用in the (falling) rain
The willows of Taicheng who th’ most affectless 最好是The willows of Taicheng that...
The willows of Taicheng who are th’ most affectless，th'这样用念的时候还是一个音节，
Along the ten-mile causeway like clouds still reign最好是over the ten-mile...
the ten-mile causeway 最好是the ten-mile long causeway
作者: 小草 时间: 2016-8-16 00:27
Originally posted by 路 at 2016-8-16 04:07 AM:
既然你不介意，我就指出来：
in falling rain最好用in the (falling) rain
The willows of Taicheng who th’ most affectless 最好是The willows of Taicheng that...
The willows of Taicheng who ar..
Yep, in the falling rain, agree, thanks very much for your input! ))
I now have to work, but I will come back to "deal with" you later on...
作者: 小草 时间: 2016-8-16 00:28
Yeah, ten-mile-causeway will do, )
作者: Xiaoman 时间: 2016-8-16 00:29
Originally posted by
小草 at 2016-8-16 00:27:
Yep, in the falling rain, agree, thanks very much for your input!
))
I now have to work, but I will come back to "deal with" you later on...
小草兄的话好逗呀。那么晚还工作，辛苦了。
作者: 小草 时间: 2016-8-16 00:30
Th' indicates this word is a silent one...right? If you disagree, well, too bad, we just have to agree to disagree. Bye for now! Have a sound sleep Lu! Hahahaah
作者: 小草 时间: 2016-8-16 07:10
Originally posted by 路 at 2016-8-16 04:00 AM:
我说了你可能会说我强词夺理。我还是说说看吧。
在listen to the rhyme of the falling rain里，你把那个falling拿掉听上去就不顺耳，这或许是因为falling是构成rhyme的主因。
而在你的Around the rive..
你说得对，我是为了韵和音节，因为只是玩，所以也没太非心思。既然 路 你如此认真，呵呵呵，那我需要谨慎小心了，哈哈哈，我有空再琢磨琢磨看看如何修改。谢谢路教授！哈哈哈
作者: 小草 时间: 2016-8-16 07:22
有关 who / that 这个问题我想到过，后来觉得要用 reign 那就选来个拟人点的代词，就这么简单。along / over 也一样在脑子里闪过，其实没什么大不了的事，呵呵呵，这是诗，在诗里做任何事都可以。) 你可以让天唱歌，山走路，河上天，等等
作者: 小草 时间: 2016-8-16 07:27
最后一句可以考虑用 on the wane ...hmm
霏霏 也可以是 in the pouring rain...附件 1 : 
Screen shot 2016-08-16 at 10.25.14 PM.png (2016-8-16 07:27, 40.61 K )
作者: 小草 时间: 2016-8-16 08:34
Originally posted by 路 at 2016-8-16 04:07 AM:
既然你不介意，我就指出来：
in falling rain最好用in the (falling) rain
The willows of Taicheng who th’ most affectless 最好是The willows of Taicheng that...
The willows of Taicheng who ar..
Ok, I give it a try again but for fun only )
The lush grass and river in the rain lie
Six dynasties a dream, birds sadly cry
The willows of Taicheng, the least affect,
Still like clouds the ten-mile-dyke vivify
作者: Xiaoman 时间: 2016-8-16 10:38
Nice
作者: 小草 时间: 2016-8-16 19:02
Originally posted by Xiaoman at 2016-8-16 03:38 PM:
Nice
Thank you very much for your encouragement!
作者: 徐英才 时间: 2016-8-16 21:52
Originally posted by
小草 at 2016-8-16 08:34:
Ok, I give it a try again but for fun only
)
The lush grass and river in the rain lie
Six dynasties a dream, birds sadly cry
The willows of Taicheng, the least affect,
Still like cloud..
这个译得比较仔细，从语法角度说没什么问题。
作者: Xiaoman 时间: 2016-8-16 22:05
Thanks professor Lu!
作者: 小草 时间: 2016-8-17 08:17
Originally posted by 路 at 2016-8-17 02:52 AM:
这个译得比较仔细，从语法角度说没什么问题。
Thanks very much for your encouragement!
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