The emotion in this poem could be felt at the beginning. It had an interesting twist. The protagonist was a book who felt abandoned. Poor, poor book. :sorrow::sorrow::sorrow:
2016-02-16, 18:56
j.w.olson
The twist turned what I thought was a rather cliche break-up poem into something quite a bit more fun. Well done surprising me!
My main personal suggestion: Everyone loves/hates/emotionally-reacts-to puns, especially when you can sneak them in and ambush us with them. Since this twist was nearly invisible until the end, can you work in references to things like "the emotion he used to read in the lines of my face," "his fingers down my spine," "no words were left to share between us," "like all the stories we'd shared meant nothing," or "threw my jacket at me and sent me out the door?" I'm sure there are plenty of other puns that will suddenly add a flood of meaning upon the reader's achievement of the twist. Just so long as it remains subtle enough to not give things away.
2016-02-18, 00:50
xiaoman
Great suggestions, haha... Thanks! J.W.Olson
"the emotion he used to read in the lines of my face," "his fingers down my spine," "no words were left to share between us," "like all the stories we'd shared meant nothing," or "threw my jacket at me and sent me out the door?"
2016-02-18, 00:52
xiaoman
Too bad, so sad. :welcoming:
2016-02-21, 17:05
Firemajic
xiaoman... shaaaame on youuuu...lol... ok! I thought this was cliché, and I confess, I was a little disappointed in you... haaaha... You tricked me.. anyway.. j.w. has some fabulous suggestions to make this even MORE fun to read, and push this poem to the sublime...
Thanks! J.W.Olson
hahaha...