标题: [原创]都市印象 （谁帮俺翻翻？〕 [打印本页]
作者: 小忍 时间: 2009-2-2 22:48 标题: [原创]都市印象 （谁帮俺翻翻？〕
Metropolitan Impression
Identity is losing its myself
In the symmetry;
Eye’s reduced to
Its cosmetic function.
Mood goes mildew
Behind the armored door;
Synesthesia reaches its high yellow
In nondenotative syllables.
As night zephyr soughs through
Accidental;
The shadows of the skyscraper
Turn on heels, jostling each other.
Outside the window
Taillights flash a nameless ache
Inside, dampened past is complaining
The days devoid of sunshine
Village, do you still stand?
Memoryless metro draws a question mark...
-------
By nondenotative (meaningless) syllables I imply the daily routines in the big city are innocuous.
都市在对称里
摸摸索索
眼睛在
堕落
情绪在全副武装的门后
发霉发酵
串感在无意义的音节中
找到了黄色的音高
夜风象偶然
临街而过
摩天大厦的影子
争先恐后逃跑
楼下，鱼贯而过的尾灯
象隐隐的疼痛闪烁
窗口，潮湿的过去
探头探脑
乡村, 还在吗？
没有记忆的都市打起问号 。。。
--------------------
Inside my car while waiting for my daughter to finish her tennis class, I scratched this poem on a napkin, and revised later a few times of course.
It is all about a mood, a dark mood. I was afraid I have lost my individuality for I'm always trying too much to blend in.
作者: thesunlover 时间: 2009-2-3 00:29
好象不错。大诗人来给评评？
作者: 一元 时间: 2009-2-3 04:02
感觉英语版比中文版更好。
作者: 小忍 时间: 2009-2-3 08:34
Originally posted by thesunlover at 2009-2-3 05:29 AM:
好象不错。大诗人来给评评？
Thanks for reading.
作者: 小忍 时间: 2009-2-3 08:35
Originally posted by 一元 at 2009-2-3 09:02 AM:
感觉英语版比中文版更好。
English version is original, and Chinese version is a loose translation.
Thank you for reading.
作者: weili 时间: 2009-2-3 17:02
最后结尾挺好。
作者: 草叶 时间: 2009-2-3 17:52
“Identity is losing its myself
In the symmetry;
Eye’s reduced to
Its cosmetic function.
都市在对称里
摸摸索索
眼睛在
堕落“
这里“lose identity 和 Eye’s reduced to Its cosmetic function”的意思没有翻译出来。“漠糊”是不是比摸摸索索"更好？
"堕落" 没把空洞眼神的意思传达出来
都市在对称里
漠糊
眼睛只剩下
空洞的型。
“As night zephyr soughs through
Accidental;
The shadows of the skyscraper
Turn on heels, jostling each other.
夜风象偶然
临街而过
摩天大厦的影子
争先恐后逃跑”“
争先恐后逃跑”没把尖尖的“heels” 和相互“josting”的力度和粗暴表现出来。
“Inside, dampened past is complaining
The days devoid of sunshine
窗口，潮湿的过去
探头探脑”无法读出“complaining” 和 “devoid of sunshine”
窗内，湿漉漉地
在唠叨
阴霉的往事.
“Village, do you still stand?
Memoryless metro scribbles a question mark...”
没有记忆的都市打起问号， “打起”换成“草草划了个”会不会更接近“scribbles”？
对不起，瞎说一通， 只是好玩！
作者: 小忍 时间: 2009-2-3 21:48
Originally posted by weili at 2009-2-3 10:02 PM:
最后结尾挺好。
谢堂主。
作者: 小忍 时间: 2009-2-3 21:54
Originally posted by 草叶 at 2009-2-3 10:52 PM:
“Identity is losing its myself
In the symmetry;
Eye’s reduced to
Its cosmetic function.
都市在对称里
摸摸索索
眼睛在
堕落“
这里“lose identity 和 Eye’s reduced..
草叶MM，谢谢阅读。
那你给俺翻翻咋样？
俺翻的时候，第一是老找不到好词，第二是我重在不同诗里的表达，不在乎是不是精确。
最后一句你提醒了我。我把原诗里的 "Scribbles" 换成 “draws”, and I feel it will be better. Thank you very much 草叶MM for this.
作者: zhaoyang 时间: 2009-2-4 13:30
大诗人也觉得英文的更好。无措感强烈。挺好。中文的读来有点乱。
作者: 小忍 时间: 2009-3-22 22:04
Originally posted by zhaoyang at 2009-2-4 01:30 PM:
大诗人也觉得英文的更好。无措感强烈。挺好。中文的读来有点乱。
谢谢大诗人。
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