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标题: [原创] My Heart is Broken [打印本页]

作者: Xiaoman     时间: 2016-8-13 18:06     标题: [原创] My Heart is Broken

Improved  


我的心碎了----

我躺在冰冷的地下室,

一动不动,目无神采,

心如止水,魂不附体。



我的心碎了----

他不再看我一眼。

他无视我的存在,

他已另结新欢!



我的心碎了----

他曾经对我如此的珍爱。

我怀念他温柔指尖的触摸,

如饥似渴,贪婪的目光,

他说我的香气让他神往,难禁。

他的手指顺着我的脊梁滑落,

此时无声胜有声。



如今,他无情地把我抛弃,

这冷酷的家伙,负心的人,

他贪新厌旧,把我扔一边!

他说他喜欢上第三者的香气,魅力。




我的心碎了----

我痛定思痛,仍期盼着,

等他回心转意,这个让我生恨的人啊,

我等他再来看我一眼。



可是,我被永远抛弃了,

我心里恨极,厌透,

这是一个冷漠的世界

他,我的主人,

将以极低的价钱把我卖给旧书摊,

这个无情无义的家伙!



My heart is broken----

Lying in the cold basement motionlessly,

my empty eyes stare into nowhere,

my soul is not with me anymore.



My heart is broken---

He won't look at me anymore.

I am invisible in his eyes,

He is seeing someone else!



My heart is broken----

He once has held me so dear.

I miss the tender touches of his fingertips,

and his eager eyes with desire.

He said it's hard to resist my scents and charm.

his fingers downed my spine...

no words were left to share between us.





But now, he just cruelly dumped me,

This heartless, ungrateful man.

He has got someone else,

so he dumped me aside!

He said he had been fascinated with

someone else's scents and enchantment.  



My heart is broken----

I recall the painful past  while still hoping that

the one who I hate will come back to love me again.

I am waiting for him to give me another glance.



But I am abandoned by him forever!

I hate him so much, I feel so annoyed.

This is a cold  world.

And he, my owner, will sell me to

a used book store at a very low price tomorrow.

Oh! This heartless man!


Feb.13, 2016

http://www.backchina.com/blog/358517/article-243803.html
作者: Xiaoman     时间: 2016-8-13 18:23
inkwellness


The emotion in this poem could be felt at the beginning. It had an interesting twist. The protagonist was a book who felt abandoned. Poor, poor book. :sorrow::sorrow::sorrow:



2016-02-16, 18:56
j.w.olson

The twist turned what I thought was a rather cliche break-up poem into something quite a bit more fun. Well done surprising me!

My main personal suggestion: Everyone loves/hates/emotionally-reacts-to puns, especially when you can sneak them in and ambush us with them. Since this twist was nearly invisible until the end, can you work in references to things like "the emotion he used to read in the lines of my face," "his fingers down my spine," "no words were left to share between us," "like all the stories we'd shared meant nothing," or "threw my jacket at me and sent me out the door?" I'm sure there are plenty of other puns that will suddenly add a flood of meaning upon the reader's achievement of the twist. Just so long as it remains subtle enough to not give things away.



2016-02-18, 00:50
xiaoman

Great suggestions, haha... Thanks! J.W.Olson
"the emotion he used to read in the lines of my face," "his fingers down my spine," "no words were left to share between us," "like all the stories we'd shared meant nothing," or "threw my jacket at me and sent me out the door?"



2016-02-18, 00:52
xiaoman

Too bad, so sad. :welcoming:



2016-02-21, 17:05
Firemajic

xiaoman... shaaaame on youuuu...lol... ok! I thought this was cliché, and I confess, I was a little disappointed in you... haaaha... You tricked me.. anyway.. j.w. has some fabulous suggestions to make this even MORE fun to read, and push this poem to the sublime...



来源: http://www.writingforums.com/printthread.php?t=163583&pp=10&page=1
作者: 小草     时间: 2016-8-13 21:04
OMG, so sad...
作者: Xiaoman     时间: 2016-8-14 22:24


引用:
Originally posted by 小草 at 2016-8-13 21:04:
OMG, so sad...

hahaha...
作者: Xiaoman     时间: 2016-8-14 22:25
I was so sad, but my readers were happy.    



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