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[原创] My Heart is Broken
Improved  


我的心碎了----

我躺在冰冷的地下室,

一动不动,目无神采,

心如止水,魂不附体。



我的心碎了----

他不再看我一眼。

他无视我的存在,

他已另结新欢!



我的心碎了----

他曾经对我如此的珍爱。

我怀念他温柔指尖的触摸,

如饥似渴,贪婪的目光,

他说我的香气让他神往,难禁。

他的手指顺着我的脊梁滑落,

此时无声胜有声。



如今,他无情地把我抛弃,

这冷酷的家伙,负心的人,

他贪新厌旧,把我扔一边!

他说他喜欢上第三者的香气,魅力。




我的心碎了----

我痛定思痛,仍期盼着,

等他回心转意,这个让我生恨的人啊,

我等他再来看我一眼。



可是,我被永远抛弃了,

我心里恨极,厌透,

这是一个冷漠的世界

他,我的主人,

将以极低的价钱把我卖给旧书摊,

这个无情无义的家伙!



My heart is broken----

Lying in the cold basement motionlessly,

my empty eyes stare into nowhere,

my soul is not with me anymore.



My heart is broken---

He won't look at me anymore.

I am invisible in his eyes,

He is seeing someone else!



My heart is broken----

He once has held me so dear.

I miss the tender touches of his fingertips,

and his eager eyes with desire.

He said it's hard to resist my scents and charm.

his fingers downed my spine...

no words were left to share between us.





But now, he just cruelly dumped me,

This heartless, ungrateful man.

He has got someone else,

so he dumped me aside!

He said he had been fascinated with

someone else's scents and enchantment.  



My heart is broken----

I recall the painful past  while still hoping that

the one who I hate will come back to love me again.

I am waiting for him to give me another glance.



But I am abandoned by him forever!

I hate him so much, I feel so annoyed.

This is a cold  world.

And he, my owner, will sell me to

a used book store at a very low price tomorrow.

Oh! This heartless man!


Feb.13, 2016

http://www.backchina.com/blog/358517/article-243803.html

4 评论

inkwellness


The emotion in this poem could be felt at the beginning. It had an interesting twist. The protagonist was a book who felt abandoned. Poor, poor book. :sorrow::sorrow::sorrow:



2016-02-16, 18:56
j.w.olson

The twist turned what I thought was a rather cliche break-up poem into something quite a bit more fun. Well done surprising me!

My main personal suggestion: Everyone loves/hates/emotionally-reacts-to puns, especially when you can sneak them in and ambush us with them. Since this twist was nearly invisible until the end, can you work in references to things like "the emotion he used to read in the lines of my face," "his fingers down my spine," "no words were left to share between us," "like all the stories we'd shared meant nothing," or "threw my jacket at me and sent me out the door?" I'm sure there are plenty of other puns that will suddenly add a flood of meaning upon the reader's achievement of the twist. Just so long as it remains subtle enough to not give things away.



2016-02-18, 00:50
xiaoman

Great suggestions, haha... Thanks! J.W.Olson
"the emotion he used to read in the lines of my face," "his fingers down my spine," "no words were left to share between us," "like all the stories we'd shared meant nothing," or "threw my jacket at me and sent me out the door?"



2016-02-18, 00:52
xiaoman

Too bad, so sad. :welcoming:



2016-02-21, 17:05
Firemajic

xiaoman... shaaaame on youuuu...lol... ok! I thought this was cliché, and I confess, I was a little disappointed in you... haaaha... You tricked me.. anyway.. j.w. has some fabulous suggestions to make this even MORE fun to read, and push this poem to the sublime...



来源: http://www.writingforums.com/pri ... mp;pp=10&page=1

Xiaoman  [评] 2016-8-13 18:23

OMG, so sad...

小草  [评] 2016-8-13 21:04



引用:
Originally posted by 小草 at 2016-8-13 21:04:
OMG, so sad...

hahaha...

Xiaoman  [评] 2016-8-14 22:24

I was so sad, but my readers were happy.    



http://bbs.wenxuecity.com/poetry/715871.html

•  负心人要踏上一万脚,让他永世不得翻身!lol -Jianan-  ♀ 给 Jianan 发送悄悄话  Jianan 的个人群组   (0 bytes) (4 reads) 08/13/2016 postreply 16:54:44  

•  谢诗友Jianan雅临赏读! 问好。 等闲变却故人心,却道故人心易变。 -小贝壳weed-  ♀ 给 小贝壳weed 发送悄悄话  小贝壳weed 的博客首页  小贝壳weed 的个人群组   (0 bytes) (5 reads) 08/13/2016 postreply 17:12:29  

•  动情才有灵感,看看人家Adele才是赢家呀:) -Jianan-  ♀ 给 Jianan 发送悄悄话  Jianan 的个人群组   (0 bytes) (0 reads) 08/14/2016 postreply 17:04:45  

•  古筝弹得好!赞! -湖墅STL-  ♂ 给 湖墅STL 发送悄悄话  湖墅STL 的博客首页  湖墅STL 的个人群组   (0 bytes) (1 reads) 08/13/2016 postreply 17:14:17  

•  多谢湖诗人雅临听曲,那不是我。:) 祝周末愉快! -小贝壳weed-  ♀ 给 小贝壳weed 发送悄悄话  小贝壳weed 的博客首页  小贝壳weed 的个人群组   (0 bytes) (2 reads) 08/14/2016 postreply 10:36:47  

•  原来是 写一本书啊, 或者我宁愿相信 是写一本书, 喜欢! -elzevir-  ♀ 给 elzevir 发送悄悄话  elzevir 的博客首页  elzevir 的个人群组   (0 bytes) (1 reads) 08/13/2016 postreply 20:11:04  

•  多谢e诗人雅临, 嘻嘻。人和书的命运差不多?我瞎说的。周末愉快!:) -小贝壳weed-  ♀ 给 小贝壳weed 发送悄悄话  小贝壳weed 的博客首页  小贝壳weed 的个人群组   (0 bytes) (0 reads) 08/14/2016 postreply 10:38:35  

•  是你在弹琴吗?真美! -前世无理-  ♂ 给 前世无理 发送悄悄话  前世无理 的博客首页  前世无理 的个人群组   (0 bytes) (1 reads) 08/14/2016 postreply 00:44:40  

•  多谢前诗人雅临!:) 我更美,哈哈哈! -小贝壳weed-  ♀ 给 小贝壳weed 发送悄悄话  小贝壳weed 的博客首页  小贝壳weed 的个人群组   (0 bytes) (1 reads) 08/14/2016 postreply 10:40:11  

•  我想也是!好诗! -Yimusanfendi-  ♂ 给 Yimusanfendi 发送悄悄话  Yimusanfendi 的博客首页  Yimusanfendi 的个人群组   (0 bytes) (0 reads) 08/14/2016 postreply 18:35:32  

•  诗写的情真意切 琴弹的行云流水,很赞。 -叶虻-  ♂ 给 叶虻 发送悄悄话  叶虻 的博客首页  叶虻 的个人群组   (0 bytes) (0 reads) 08/14/2016 postreply 16:51:39

Xiaoman  [评] 2016-8-14 22:25

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