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学写十四行诗: I Love You, Summer (中英双语)
学写十四行诗,多谢不吝赐教!


I Love You, Summer

Rhyming scheme: abba cddc effe gg

Twenty  degrees Celsius here, no complaint
You can enjoy yourself on the cool sand,
While it is so hot somewhere in the inland,
that you can cook eggs on the top of a train.
In the woods, chickadees pleasantly sing,
happy  as the happy face of the sun.
kids bike, run, laugh, having lots of fun,
in summer, you can do many a thing:
Gardening, barbecue, camping, chasing deer,
but not all the time using the internet.
if possible, tour around the planet,  
if not, go to the farmer's market that's near.
oh, I love summer, your days and nights,
and wish my friends a good time with delights!

二十摄氏度,真的无话好说了,
当内陆的一些地方非常的热,
热得你可以在火车顶上煮鸡蛋,
而你可以在这里凉快的沙滩上享受。
树林里的山雀在愉快地歌唱,
开心得就如太阳快乐的笑脸。
小孩子们骑车,追跑,笑闹,乐趣多多,
夏日里,你能做的事情真不少呢:
园艺,烧烤,野营,逐鹿,
而不是全天候地上网。
如果有可能,还可以去环游世界,
要不然,去附近的农民市场逛逛也好。
哦,我爱夏日,你的日日夜夜,
也祝福我的朋友们夏安万福!

作者:刘小曼 August 3, 2016

5 评论

不严格要求抑扬格的话,写得相当不错,很流畅。如果真想改进,则需在转折上下功夫。好的十四行诗都有意思上的变化(比如开始说好,后来说坏,反之亦然。我认为这比抑扬格更重要),连写了很多十四行诗的冯志都没有做到。

廖康  [评] 2016-8-3 10:02



引用:
Originally posted by 廖康 at 2016-8-3 10:02:
不严格要求抑扬格的话,写得相当不错,很流畅。如果真想改进,则需在转折上下功夫。好的十四行诗都有意思上的变化(比如开始说好,后来说坏,反之亦然。我认为这比抑扬格更重要),连写了很多十四行诗的冯志都没有..

多谢廖老师点评,赐教。好的,我试试学习转折。


平时可能比较喜欢打折的东西,对转折没什么研究。  以前写过一两首,忘了。 

Xiaoman  [评] 2016-8-3 13:36

喜欢小曼同学的 sonnet))

小草  [评] 2016-8-3 17:16



引用:
Originally posted by 小草 at 2016-8-3 17:16:
喜欢小曼同学的 sonnet))

哈哈哈!:) 谢谢小草鼓励!


期待你下一首诗翻译。夏安!

Xiaoman  [评] 2016-8-3 20:14

http://www.writingforums.com/pri ... mp;pp=10&page=1


Galivanting


usually not the biggest fan of rhyming poetry but this feels better than most... not super forced (only forced rhyme for me was "complain/train", being the first line it did stand out a bit)

also i think chickadees may have had their time in the poetic limelight... i understand if in your mind the birds are literally chickadees but if any songbird would do theres so many to pick from with names just as fun. sorry i know its a weird critique, just something that came to my mind.

i feel this really creates a nice pastoral scene to live in, builds a picture of lower alabama for me, brought me right to being a kid escaping the heat to go to the coast.

writing happy poetry seems difficult and i liked this one, so bravo



2016-08-03, 17:07
musichal



Quote:



Originally Posted by xiaoman View Post

Twenty degrees Celsius here, no complain,
You can enjoy yourself on the cool sand,
While it is so hot somewhere in the inland,
that you can cook eggs on the top of a train.
In the woods, chickadees pleasantly sing,
happy as the happy face of the sun.
kids bike, run, laugh, having lots of fun,
in summer, you can do many a thing:
Gardening, barbecue, camping, chasing deer,
but not all the time using the internet.
if possible, tour around the planet,
if not, go to the farmer's market that's near.
oh, I love summer, your days and nights,
and wish my friends a good time with delights!

August 3, 2016

I think some stream-lining would improve flow. Something like:

Twenty C here, no complaint
on the cool sands.
So hot inland,
eggs fry atop rooves of train.
Chickadee hymns from trees
praise a happy sun,
as kids run and bike
and all summer fun.
The time for doing,
not for glowing screens.
Scents of mown grass, bar-b-ques.
Go. Discover. Camp, chase deer.
Tour farmer's market.
Summer fun
on summer night.
Summertime,
lovers' delight.


Something like that, but better. Play with it some more - you have some good ideas.


2016-08-03, 18:39
Sonata

A delightful poem - but oh how I wish it was only 20° Celsius here. That would be my idea of comfort and bliss.

I really did enjoy your poem though, even though I was jealous of the cool temperature!



2016-08-04, 09:56
Firemajic

xiaoman, there is an innocence in your poetry that I love, unpretentious and full of joy... ;)

Xiaoman  [评] 2016-8-16 12:10

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